Who is Jaba?

Posted: Sunday, October 04, 2009 | Posted by Jaba |

Well I'm more than just an angst-filled Asia dude. Below are 25 random things about me that came from one of those Facebook things that went around a few months ago.

1) I go by Jaba, Jabe, James, Jaba Juice, Jambalina, or Fat Indo.

2) I love that people assume that I’m a right-wing Republican even though I’m a moderate Democrat. Obama baby!!!

3) I hate homogeneous groups. I love my group of friends because there’s a bit of everything: Asians, Blacks, Tandoris, Whites, Mexicans, right wing nuts, granola eating tree huggers, straight, gay (but hasn’t come out of the closet), Christians, Buddhists, Atheists…basically the freaking United Nations. I truly believe groups that “only hang with their own” tend to be made up of backward-ass aholes since the quirks of that particular group tend to build upon each other since no one is there to keep them in check. Seriously, next time you’re out, pay attention to a party that’s composed of all Asians, or all Black, all White or all whatever. They’re usually fucking annoying.

4) My friend Callie is going to be sooooo mad at me for this one but it’s MY list…People who complain about responding to email and phone calls crack me up. “I’m too busy”. “You don’t know how busy my days are”. Here’s the deal, it’s not like I stay at home with my thumb up my ass playing Xbox all day and eating bags of Cheetohs…which, btw, would be an awesome existence. I have a fairly intense job where I get bombarded with emails and phone calls just like everyone else. In addition, I have extracurricular activities which add to the daily email count. But you know what, I respond to those emails and phone calls. It doesn’t matter if I’m working at midnight or in some random hotel in some Red State on business travel, I’ll get back to you. I’m especially more inclined to get back to you if it’s not work related, ie, its personal fun crap like when our next vacation is going to be or what I thought of that hot new intern. Seriously, unless you’re the freaking President of the United States or the head of FEMA during a Category 5 Hurricane, you’re not too busy to reply.

5) I was born in Indonesia and moved to America when I was four years old. I attended a year or two of pre-school/kindergarten in Indonesia, and despite what you may have heard on Fox News, I am NOT a terrorist.

6) Every new person I meet automatically gets a “D” in my book. I don’t care if you’re the freaking Dali Lami or Bill Gates. When I first meet you, my initial assumption is that you’re a stupid dickhead who’s either going to try to convert me to some crazy ass religion or add me to your Avon downline. I don’t get those people that try to become friends with everyone they meet. Considering 80-90% of the human population are moronic assholes, chances are that “cool guy” you just met will somehow land you in prison.

7) I really like slow jams. It doesn’t matter whether its Stevie B, Lionel Richie, or rock anthems by Journey, I dig me some lovin music.

8) I hate cheap people. If you’re clipping a coupon, you better be unemployed and trying to support five kids. If you’re making six figures, with your house paid off, have plenty of discretionary income, and you’re holding up the Von’s checkout line because you’re trying to get the double coupon to apply, I will kick you in the nuts.

9) I always wonder why my guy friends are always coaching me on how to get laid. I like to joke with them that my game is comparable to a retarded six year old or that I employ the “moss approach” when it comes to girls (eventually I’ll grow on them), but it was only a joke. Every time we’re out, they’re either trying to push me up on a girl, or give me some pick up lines. One time in Vegas, we were at a lounge with a few girls we just met when five of my buddies all got up at the same time and rearranged themselves so that I’d be sitting next to the single girl in the group. No matter that she herself looked like a retarded six year old, my boys wanted me to get laid DAMN IT. I’m basically that guy from The 40 Year Old Virgin.

10) When I was a little kid, I use to chase my Grandparent’s Chihuahua and try to kick it. I feel bad about it now. Sometimes I wonder if he reincarnated into my friend Callie’s Pomeranian Niko. Of course that doesn’t stop me from trying to kick Niko (j/k, I love that guy).

11) When I was younger, I used to think that the world was made simply for my amusement. That lady walking across the street…her existence was solely for that brief moment when she passed my eye. The guy jack-hammering the sidewalk….simply there for my frivolous observation. I finally got over this delusion of grandeur a couple years ago.

12) My description of the perfect girl used to be someone who is sweet, sexy, smart, has a good sense of humor, caring, generous, pretty, makes a good living, sophisticated yet down to earth, and preferably a brunette. Now, it’s down to: not crazy and decent looking.

13) I once had an entire sushi boat (80 pieces of sushi) in one seating. Our Japanese waitress who barely spoke any English managed to tell me, “You are freak!”. I followed up the meal with an avocado milkshake for good measure.

14) I hate chicken breast. I understand why people would eat it for health reasons, but anyone that says they actually enjoy eating chicken breast is full of shit. It’s like saying, “Ummmmm….tasty cardboard”. I do, however, love chicken skin.

15) My perfect vacation would be to spend a week with the most perfect girl (so per #12 it would be someone who’s not crazy and decent looking) in a five star resort on a tropical island and indulge in a decadent orgy of great food, drinks, massages, lovin, chillaxation, and more food. I know the cool thing would be to say that I’d hike through the Amazon jungle or climb the Himalayas or some crazy shit like that. F.U.C.K that. It’s not a vacation to me unless I’m within 30 minutes of a pool side cabana.

16) My perfect job would be traveling the world and writing about all the good things in life.

17) If I had to choose a last meal, it would be my Mom’s fried chicken over rice with a side of sambal.

18) I had seizures as a kid. For some reason I had to take a form of steroids to deal with it. I’m pretty sure that’s why I’m the hairiest motherfreaking Asian you’ll ever meet. Hmmm...maybe that also explains the anger issues....

19) I suspect that Angelina Jolie has bad B.O.

20) My first car was a powder blue, 1986 Nissan Stanza mini-van with 86 horsepower. I’ve been trying to overcompensate ever since.

21) I learned to drive stick last year from two of my girl friends.

22) I’m pretty sure I’m the only person who grew up in Oregon who doesn’t know how to ski or snowboard.

23) Some of my best memories are spending Sunday nights with my dear friend eating Japanese BBQ and watching Family Guy.

24) I lip-synched choir for two years in Middle School.

25) I’m extremely claustrophobic. Not just when it comes to tight spaces, but anything that I can’t quickly get out of such as relationships. I have actually formulated break up plans before I’ve even asked a girl out. I’m pretty sure I’ll be spending quite a bit of money on therapy for this one.