Women Lessons From Mom

Below is a list from some article mentioned by Ryan Seacrest on CNN yada, yada, yada. Basically it's a list of things about women that mothers should be passing on to their sons. My commentary is included.

1. Pick your battles. ACTUALLY, DON'T PICK ANY BATTLES. GUYS, YOU SHOULD JUST FORFEIT RIGHT OFF THE BAT. AS CHRIS ROCK SAYS, A MAN CANNOT WIN AN ARGUMENT WITH A WOMAN BECAUSE MEN ARE "HANDICAPPED WHEN IT COMES TO ARGUING CAUSE WE HAVE A NEED TO MAKE SENSE"

2. Walk on the outside (closer to the street) of your female companion. UNLESS SHE HAS A LARGE INSURANCE POLICY. AND YOU'RE THE BENEFICIARY.

3. Saying "You're being crazy" is never an appropriate response, unless you want her to go postal on you. THIS APPLIES TO ALL VARIANTS INCLUDING "I MUST BE CRAZY TO BE DATING YOUR CRAZY ASS"

4. Cooking, cleaning, and taking care of kids are things men can actually do as well as women. SURE. AND GI JANE COULD REALLY HAPPEN.

5. Keep backup supplies of quality chocolate in the house for her to raid. THIS WILL HELP WITH #3 ABOVE.

6. Buying tampons and other feminine products shouldn't embarrass you --everyone knows they're not for you. GUYS, IF YOU STILL FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE, YOU CAN DISSUADE YOUR LADIES FROM EVER ASKING AGAIN BY BUYING THEM VONS BRAND TAMPONS.

7. Women like compliments and gifts. "ITS NOT THE DRESS THAT MAKES YOU LOOK FAT, ITS THE FAT THAT MAKES YOU LOOK FAT" IS NOT AN APPROPRIATE COMPLIMENT. AND WITH RESPECT TO GIFTS, START VERY, VERY, VERY SMALL AND CHEAP JUST IN CASE YOU END UP MARRYING HER. IF YOU START WITH A NICE GIFT, SAY A TRIP SOMEWHERE, BY THE 10TH ANNIVERSARY SHE'LL BE EXPECTING A LAMBO AND HARRY WINSTON BLING.

8. Earning less than her shouldn't be emasculating. TRUE, IF YOU MAKE $250K PER YEAR AND SHE PULLS IN $300K. IF YOU MAKE $25K AND SHE MAKES $50K, LIFE MUST SUCK FOR YOU.

9. Be on time, even if she usually isn't. IF YOU'RE DATING A FILIPINA, DON'T SWEAT IT SINCE YOU CAN BE AN HOUR LATE AND STILL BE ON TIME.

10. Don't be a pouty puppy when shopping with her. I ACTUALLY LIKE SHOPPING, BUT KEEP IN MIND THAT GUYS ONLY CARE ABOUT TWO THINGS: LINGERIE AND REALLY SEXY LINGERIE. ASKING US WHETHER WHETHER WE LIKE THE PURPLE OR BLACK CLUTCH IS LIKE ASKING YOU LADIES WHETHER THE TAMPA 2 DEFENSE IS EFFECTIVE AGAINST THE RUN. WE HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA.

11. Find out what her favorite flower is. IF YOU FORGET, CHANCES ARE ITS TULIPS.

12. If you like her, then don't buy her shoes; it's bad luck. USE THIS EXCUSE WHEN SHE TRICKS YOU INTO BUYING A PAIR FROM THE "EXPENSIVE SIDE" OF THE NORDSTROM SHOE DEPARTMENT. "HONEY, IT'LL BE BAD LUCK IF I BUY YOU THOSE $1000 HEELS. DARN."

13. Smiling and nodding aren't the same as listening. TRUE BUT 9 OUT OF 10 GIRLS CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE.

14. It's OK to cry in front of her, but keep the blubbering to a minimum. ONLY A MAN REALLY KNOWS HOW MAVERICK MUST HAVE FELT WHEN HE LOST GOOSE.

15. Personality goes a long way. IF THIS IS TRUE EXPLAIN WHY THE BIGGEST DOUCHES DATE THE HOTTEST GIRL. I'M SURE ITS THEIR PERSONALITIES.

16. At some point she'll be more important than your mother. ONLY WHEN SHE CAN MAKE FRIED CHICKEN OVER RICE WITH SAMBAL LIKE MY MAMMA!!!

17. You will never completely understand women. AMEN.

18. Oh yeah, and no woman will ever be good enough for my baby! AWWWWWWW!!!!