Twinky, No Service

Posted: Saturday, October 24, 2009 | Posted by Jaba |

NO TWINKIES
I recently saw this disturbing sign on stuff white people do (great blog btw), and thought hmmmm....what kind of bigoted sign would I post on my future boba shop - slash - cigar lounge - slash massage parlor. Well I'd first have to decide who I would want to keep out. The answer is easy of course: twinkies. They are the bane of my existence, the one group of people that would turn me into a war criminal if given the opportunity. If I ever became Jaba Himmler, I'd throw all those twinkies into concentration camps and feed them nothing but chicken feet, blast Taiwanese pop songs 24/7 and make them watch Korean dramas until they turn into melodramatic mush.

So back to my sign. First, I would write the sign in Oriental font - not Chinese characters mind you, but that exaggerated lettering that you find in cheesy faux Chinese restaurants that dot suburbia America, and put Hello Kitty stickers all over it. Yes I know, Hello Kitty also piss off non-twinkies, but I figure twinkies will have a more visceral reaction since that evil cat is just so Asian.

Then I would hire one of those cutsie Japanese girls with the perpetual giggling problem to hold up the sign with one hand while flashing that peace sign (or is it "V" for victory? whatever) to everyone that walks in. Again, non-twinkies find them annoying too but twinkies even more so.

And what would the sign actually say? Well, I thought long and hard about every twinkie that I ever met and came up with the list below. Please feel free to comment if you think there's something I should add.

Disclaimer: The Holocaust is not funny. However putting twinkies in concentration camps is.

IF YOU'RE ASIAN:

NO ABERCOMBIE & FITCH ATTIRE.

NO SHIRTS WITH GREEK LETTERS.

NO BLONDE HAIR (STREAKS PERMITTED IF COMPRISING LESS THAN 20% OF TOTAL HAIR FOLLICLES).

NO COLORED CONTACTS (UNLESS OBVIOUSLY NON-NATURAL LIKE PINK).

NO CAUCASIAN SIGNIFICANT OTHER.

NO TREATING ASIAN SERVERS AND FELLOW ASIAN CUSTOMERS WITH CONTEMPT BECAUSE THEY'RE "SO ASIAN".

NO ARRIVING IN A PICKUP TRUCK.

NO ASKING FOR "WHITE MEAT" WHEN ORDERING THE CHICKEN DISH. WE DISCARD THAT PIECE.

NO ASKING IF WE USE MSG. WE DO. IT TASTES GOOD.

NO ASKING FOR A FORK. WE HAVE AN ASIAN VERSION. IT'S CALLED A CHOPSTICK.

NO SAYING "EXCUSE ME?" IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT WHAT WE SAID. "WHAT?", "HUHHHH?", "EGGGHHHHHH?" ARE ACCEPTABLE.

NO ASKING "WHAT IS BOBA?"

RUBIOS IS DOWN TWO BLOCKS ON THE LEFT.

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