Where Rice Farmers’ Daughters Come to Roam

Dating is tough for an Asian guy living in San Diego. Actually, it’s tough for a specific type of Asian guy. Specifically, an Asian guy like me. You see, I’m not a FOB (Fresh of the Boat) nor a Twinkie (yellow on the outside, white on the inside). I have Asian friends, White friends, Black friends, Mexican friends. I pride myself on the fact that my posse resembles the United Nation, or maybe more like Noah’s Ark, with a pair of every kind. I can’t stand people who only hang with their own ethnicity, nor those self-hating sell-outs who do whatever they can to hide their heritage (sorry, but dying your hair blonde and getting blue contacts only makes you look like a dim sum cart lady with blonde hair and blue contacts). I also like Asian girls. I’m not sure you can call it an Asian fetish since I myself am also Asian, but I do dig girls of the Asian persuasion. And here is where the problem lies…

In San Diego, there are exactly two types of Asian girls: The FOB and the Twinkie. That’s it. You will either be drinking boba and getting $25 massages at the Vietnamese nail salon or you’ll be spending Friday nights at Applebee’s and fucking trail running every godamn weekend. Those are your only options if you want to date an Asian girl in San Diego.

While this does not represent an ideal pool of dating opportunities for me, I’ve come to accept the fact that my chances of meeting Asian girls that share my sense of multiculturalism are slim in San Diego. It appeared that as long as I live in San Diego, I will be pursuing either a FOB or a Twinkie. Unfortunately as it turns out, such resignation does not help me with my dating life. In what should have been quite obvious to me, a FOB only wants to date a fellow FOB and a Twinkie…well, she only wants to date a White guy. That leaves me FUCKED (not literally, unfortunately).

So which is worse, the FOB or the Twinkie? Well let’s break them down for a moment. The FOB is a recent immigrant who speaks either broken English or barely any English at all. Although she’s likely to be skinny, you can’t actually call her fit since she’s never worked out a day in her life. Her iPod is filled with the latest Pop sensation from Taiwan or the Philippines (FOB’s can come from any Asian country) and her cell-phone is covered in an ungawdly amount of glitter, pink and anime characters. As an immigrant myself who moved to the States at the young age of 4, I understand why FOB’s prefer to hang out with fellow FOB’s. It’s more comfortable being with people who speak your language and share your background, especially when you’re in a new country. I get it. Interestingly enough though, there are second and even third generation FOB’s. These are girls that have grown up in America, are completely assimilated in American culture, but for some reason still refuse to give up their FOB’ish ways. They still speak with an accent, prefer to ride in rice rockets, and most injurious to me, only date their fellow FOB’s.

Then there is the Twinkie. Where do I even begin. After France was liberated by the Americans in WWII, hundreds of French women who conspired, socialized, and fornicated with the Nazis were dragged out on the streets, stripped, and had their heads shaven. I’m just saying…

Nothing quite irritates me like an Asian girl that thinks she’s White. You know these girls. In San Diego, they’re the ones who dress exclusively in Abercombie & Fitch, say things like “I’ve never had dim sum”, style themselves in the aforementioned blonde dye and blue contacts, and don’t have a single Asian friend on Facebook (they probably do but won’t add them for fear that people might think they hang out with – gasp – Asian people). They gush over their White bartender slash mortgage-broker slash valet parker boyfriends, and instinctively roll their eyes whenever they’re approached by an Asian guy. I’ve actually had a pair of Twinkies tell me - after spending 10 minutes berating Asian guys in general with comments like “Asian guys are nerds who are only good at math and race their dorky cars” - that they consider themselves White and not Asian. Unfortunately, I was too inebriated to tell them that their slanty eyes and flat noses do a good job belying their Whiteness, and that I need to be good at math to count all the money I make and that I do enjoy racing my Porsche.

The worst part about these Twinkies is that many of them, if not most of them, are typically ugly wenches. In fact, they really shouldn’t worry about Asian guys hitting on them since most Asian guys don’t even find them attractive. Back in the motherland, these are the girls that you’d find bent over picking rice or holding court at the local whorehouse. But in the US, they’re considered “exotic” and prance around like they’re freaking princesses. I partly blame my White brothas for this discrepancy. Guys, if the Asian girl in question looks like Kelly Hu, Kristin Kreuk, or Maggie Q, she’s hot. If she looks like anything you’ll find on dirtythaiwhores.com, she’s not hot. Please use this simple rule as your guide so we don’t have so many Twinkies walking around with an inflated sense of self-worth.

So back to the original question: which is worse, the FOB or the Twinkie? I believe the Twinkie wins hands down. I’ll deal with having to use sign language to communicate and smelling like fish sauce after every date rather than putting up with some self-hating, fugly, former rice farmer. But I guess it’s a moot issue since I can’t land either of them.

Hmmm…Where them White girls at???