Lactose intolerance and the socialist that gave it to me

Posted: Thursday, February 24, 2005 | Posted by Jaba |

As a boy growing up in Oregon, I drank milk like a baby sucking from a mommas tit. Milk during breakfast. Milk during recess. Milk during lunch. Milk when I got home. Shit, milk when I was watching TV at night right before I went to bed. Milk, milk, milk, milk, milk. Not just milk, but milk-based products like ice cream, jello-pops, pudding, all sorts of dairy shit. My entire 18 years of living at home, I never once had a problem with lactose intolerence. I didn't even know what the hell it was.

That all change when I met Jabama Mama. It was my sophmore year at UCLA. Jabama was a socialist-in-training at the time. His mind was being filled by the lies and distortions that flowed freely in his Sociology, Geography, and Asian/African/Hispanic Studies courses. One of the wonderful gems he picked up is the theory that milk is unfit for human consumption and that Americans drink milk only because of the misinformation being propagated by the evil, money-grubbing dairy industry. Forget the tobacco people, the real pushers in America are those that are trying to advance the dairy agenda. You thought those "Got Milk" ads are benign public health messages? Hell no!!! According to Jabama they are simply propoganda aired by the Dairy Council who are trying to get American citizens to buy their "un-natural" milk. See, as a Socialist, Jabama believes that anything commercial (aka makes money) is bad. Since dairy is a multi-billion dollar industry, milk has to be bad for you.

So I listened to this mumbo-jumbo for months/years, never once thinking that any of this crap made sense. But just as the the proselytizing of Kim Jong-il eventually withers down the sensibilities of every North Korean, the constant stream of bullshit about milk subconciously effected my bowels. Slowly but surely, my stomach started to churn with every glass of milk or scoop of ice cream I consumed. At first, I didn't make the connection. But eventually it became clear: I had become Lactose Intolerant.

Fucking Jabama. I now cannot eat an ice cream sundae without devestating consequences. Desert is limited to a cup of coffee (no cream) and possibly some cake. My defiant, capitalist soul refuses to believe that some socialist has prevented me from enjoying dairy-products. However, the evidence is overwhelming. Where once I could eat a Big Jim Sundae from Cheesecake Factory with ease, I now must be within walking distance of a working toilet if I want to even consider licking a soft serve.


  1. betty said...
  2. cute and funni story. i've always wondered why sometimes you'd look very uncomfortable after lunch at ass force...

  3. j-bomb said...
  4. man, not even soft serve? didn't i mention the loophole to this intolerance? if you continuously consume diary products, you will continue your ability to digest lactose. you must have stopped having dairy for a period of time. the theory includes the inability to re-acquire the ability to digest lactose. how about cheeseburgers? i can't live without in-out or fatburgers!