How to Survive Your Crappy Job

http://finance.yahoo.com/news/50-Tips-for-Surviving-Your-usnews-650024601.html?x=0&mod=pf-career-work

The list, with my commentary:

--Don't promise what you can't deliver. I ONLY PROMISE THAT I WILL NOT DELIVER.

--Learn to manage your emotions, instead of letting them control you. I ALMOST SLUGGED A COWORKER OVER AN ARMOIRE.

--Cultivate a sense of humor. I HAVE A POOPING REINDEER ON MY DESK.

--Resist perfectionism. I HAVE A PERFECT RECORD OF ZERO BUSINESS TRAVEL OVER THE PAST 12 MONTHS.

--Resist micromanaging (of yourself and others). I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE PERSON WHO WORKS FOR ME DOES.

--Get the sleep you need. I TAKE MICRO NAPS IN THE OFFICE.

--Try getting to work 10-15 minutes early. IF THE WORK DAY STARTED AT 10AM.

--Take regular breaks. CALL ME THE PERFECT EMPLOYEE IN REGARDS TO THIS.

--Take a walk at lunch, or do some stretching exercises, or jumping jacks, or something. LUNCH IS FOR LUNCH. 3-5PM IS FOR WORKING OUT.

--Don't overdo the caffeine. PUSSY.

--Don't skip breakfast or lunch. WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING?

--Learn to recognize symptoms of stress (anxiety, headache, anger) so you can nip it in the bud. AND HIS NAME IS JOEL.

--Make some friends/allies at work. LIFE TO ME IS ONE BIG GAME OF AXIS & ALLIES.

--Talk about your stress, to somebody. POOR KARLA.

--Pay attention to your breathing; slow it down, deepen it. MUCH BETTER WITH A CIGAR.

--Post family photos (or other images that make you happy) in your workspace. CIGAR GIRLS.

--Focus on the now (i.e., don't agonize over the past, don't fret over the future). I NEED TO GO PEE…BE RIGHT BACK.

--Take some alone time. IT’S CALLED STALL #1, MENS BATHROOM

--Find harmless ways to vent; e.g., cry, or punch a pillow. THREATEN TO PUNCH A COWORKER OVER AN ARMOIRE. DON’T ACTUALLY PUNCH COWORKER OVER ARMOIRE.

--Vary your routine. SOMETIMES DIM SUM, SOMETIMES SUSHI, OCCASIONALLY MEXICAN…WE KEEP IT VARIED.

--Stop trying to multitask. ONLY RETARDED PEOPLE STRUGGLE TO MULTITASK.

--Remind yourself of what's really important in life. KALBI TACOS.

--Beef up your skills; become better and faster at what you do. THIS EMAIL ONLY TOOK ME 5 MINUTES TO COMPOSE.

--Make sure you truly know what is expected of you (you may need to talk to your boss). MY BOSS AVOIDS ME.

--Try looking at situations from different points of view. HOW WOULD THE MAIL ROOM GUY HANDLE MY SITUATION…

--Seek work that suits your personality. CHIEF MOCKERY OFFICER.

--Learn to say "no." DONE.

--Always have a fallback plan (a "Plan B"). TACO TRUCK.

--Get better organized. PLANNING TO START A UNION FOR MY DEPT. FUCK THE MAN.

--Clean up workspace clutter. I AM TRYING TO GET “THAT GUY” FIRED.

--Stop procrastinating. I NEVER HESITATE. AS SOON AS FEEL THE URGE TO GO #1, I GO.

--Make your workspace as ergonomic as you can. DECIDING WHETHER TO TURN GARBAGE CAN INTO OFFICE TOILET.

--Wear clothes that are comfortable and that you look good in. I WORK IN THE LAND OF UGGOS. A MUUMUU WOULD LOOK GOOD HERE.

--Try some "positive affirmations." THERE ARE OTHERS THAT SUCK WORSE THAN ME.

--Learn to manage your boss. I THINK HE’S AFRAID OF ME.

--Meditate/pray/contemplate. IS THIS SOME STUPID PLAY OFF EAT PRAY LOVE??

--Avoid negative people as much as you can. ONE CANNOT AVOID ONESELF.

--Write down the things you like about your job. MY PAYCHECKS DON’T BOUNCE.

--Make a list of all your achievements in the last year. 1) AQUATHON, 2) …

--Get clear on your life goals and take a step, no matter how small, toward those goals every day. IT’S BEEN 10+ YEARS OF BABY STEPS TOWARDS MEDIOCRITY.

--Learn to love yourself as you are. QUICKEST PATH TO BECOME A FAT BASTARD.

--Put a smile on your face. TACO TUESDAYS AT KALBIQ.

--Get a hobby that makes you happy. PAPER CLIP SCULPTURES.

--Learn to prioritize. Learn to delegate. LUNCH IS A PRIORITY. TRYING TO HIRE A MANTERN TO DELEGATE.

--Stop comparing yourself to others. COMPARING YOURSELF TO ONE OF THOSE MALL KIOSK GUYS USUALLY LEADS TO A SMILE.

--Ask for help when you need it. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO PLUG THE DAMN PROPANE TANK TO MY GRILL.

--Break big jobs into bite-size pieces. MY APPROACH ON SLIPPING PROZAC INTO MY ADMIN’S WATER.

--Know your limitations and let others know them too. I AM CAPABLE OF ONLY 1.25 HOURS OF WORK IN ANY GIVEN WORK DAY.

--Don't try to control what is uncontrollable. I'VE GIVEN UP HOPE THAT OUR STOCK IS EVER GOING TO MAKE US RICH.

--Hang in there! SHUT UP.