Memoirs of The Pod: The Mysterious Leprechaun

No other statement captures the essence of The Pod more than: "Penny-wise, pound-foolish". There has never been, and there likely will never be, a person cheaper than The Pod. His ability to pinch pennies and mooch of both friends and strangers has become legendary. The Pod has no shame when it comes to saving the all mighty dollar - or in his case, the mighty pennies. However, as the motto above implies, his cheapness may have saved him a few bucks, but it has cost him many things that are much more valuable (friendship, camaraderie, respect, etc.)

My friend Rosy fell victim to The Pod's sheisty ways during our sophomore year. The Pod's fraternity (must have been the shittiest fraternity of all time) was having a weekend event out in Palm Springs. He decided to ask Rosy to the party, even though he barely knew her. She graciously accepted. The week before the party, I warned Rosy that she should bring enough cash because there was a high probability that The Pod wasn't going to bring anything more than a couple of bucks and some loose change. Rosy brushed me off and said that The Pod was not going to stiff her since they barely knew each other. She reasoned that any half decent guy would make sure to bring enough cash on a first date. Unfortunately for Rosy, The Pod didn't qualify as "half-decent".

The weekend passed and I got a phone call from Rosy. She was not happy. In fact, she was quite ticked off. She tells me the following painful (but quite humorous) story:

On the drive out from Los Angeles to Palm Springs, The Pod's car was running low on fuel. He pulls over at a gas station and fills up a portion of the tank. He gets back in the car and promptly asks Rosy for a few bucks to cover her half. I will refrain from writing "she was shocked" as I would have to repeat this throughout the story. She gives him a few bucks and they were back on the road.

Later that evening at the restaurant, The Pod decides on some unexpected extravagance and orders a shrimp dish. One of his frat brothers asks him if he could try one of the shrimp.

"Ummm....well....uhhhh....there's only 8 pieces man. That's like 2 dollars per shrimp."

Classy. To quote the per unit cost of your dinner probably doesn't impress the ladies. It sure as hell didn't impress Rosy. The bill comes and The Pod pulls out his wallet. He stares at it...looking quite confused. Where oh where is the money? He pulls out a 5 dollar bill and looks over at Rosy.

"Can I borrow some cash? I'll pay you back tomorrow."

As the years passed by, our circle of friends became quite familiar with this routine. We refer to it as the "Mysterious Leprechaun Who Takes The Pod's Money". The Leprechaun always conveniently shows up whenever the bill arrives. Luckily for Rosy, she listened to me and brought enough cash to pay for her meal as well as The Pod's.

The next morning, Rosy is in no mood to spend any more time with The Pod. She asks him to take her home. So off they go on their drive back to Los Angeles. As expected, they had to stop for gas again since The Pod only filled up the tank halfway the day before. This time around, The Pod refrains from asking Rosy for gas money.

They continue driving. About 45 minutes from home, Rosy starts to feel dizzy from the baking sun and lack of air conditioning. Don't get me wrong, The Pod's car had airconditioning but using it would have used up gas, which cost money, and that would be unacceptable to The Pod. Nauseous, Rosy asks The Pod to stop by a restaurant so they could get some food.

"Uhhhh...ummmm....uhhhh...we're almost home".

At this point Rosy loses it. She yells at him to pull off the highway and find a restaurant. The Pod obviously doesn't want to pull over since that would have meant that he would be obligated to pay Rosy back for the previous night's dinner. But the devious genius he was, The Pod found a way to still stay ahead. He pulls into a Jamba Juice and buys her a $3.85 Banana Berry smoothie.

"For last night", said The Pod.

Rosy got off easy. After this date from hell, she refused to hang out with The Pod ever again. I (and his other friends), are not so lucky. I recently put together a spreadsheet of how much The Pod has cost me over the years from free meals, free car rides, free cigars, unpaid Leprechaun episodes, etc. Without accounting for pain and suffering - which would have added thousands more to the final figure - I calculated that having The Pod in my life has cost me over $5,000. Since there is a better chance of finding WMD's in Iraq then recovering the money from The Pod, I will look to get payback either from: a) movie/television deal on my dealings with The Pod, or b) video-taped pussy-payments from his good looking younger sister. I prefer b.