Wait, How Old is She?

With age, I've apparently lost the critical ability to tell whether the girl I'm checking out is 15 or 25. Unlike knowing how to use a power drill or driving a stick shift, figuring out whether or not the girl you're oggling could land you 5 to 10, as well as a real interesting conversation with your parents/wife/kids is quite an important skill for any man. Even if your mild stalking doesn't land you in prison, it could still make for some uncomfortable situations.

I'm writing this post poolside at a lovely luxury resort in Oahu. It's away from all the frat boy, coupon clipping, Denny's eating rift-raft in Waikiki. Most of the guests at this particular resorts are well-heeled couples and families. A little while ago I was frolicking about in the pool when I looked across and saw this stunning Mila Kunis look-a-like. I caught her glance, she gives me a coy smile. I smile back. Hmm...there's no way a sexy little thing like this could be vacationing alone. She must be with a man, perhaps a doctor, a lawyer, a hairy Persian...somebody.

I casually look around to see if I can ID her man. No one looks like a good candidate. The balding AIDS patient looking character? Looks like he has a wife with him. The thin Japanese guy with the unusually leathery tan? Gawd I hope not.

I float around a bit more, stealing a few quick glances over. She smiles back each time. My heart starts to flutter. Could it be that this fat Indo is going to get some vacation lovin? That would be glorious.

I start swimming closer to her, my mind racing. What should I say? Maybe ask her how it was filming Forgetting Sarah Marshall. No, that would be cheesy. Perhaps I should just ask her if she would like a drink. The hotel's rum-spiked mango smoothies are absolutely deelish and the alcohol may help me seal the deal.

Just as I was about to make my move, I felt a chilly stare coming from the pools edge behind me. I knew it. She has a man. I glance over. It WAS a man. A very pissed off looking man. Hmmm...he looked older than I would have expected. He must be her sugardaddy.

It turns out he was her daddy. Her real daddy. I realized this when he was joined by his wife/her mom, and a kid in a wheelchair who looks handicapped. Not handicapped like he loss the use of his legs kind of handicapped, but you know, "handicapped". They were all giving me the evil eye.

"Big deal", I thought. So I'm scoping out their daughter/sister. She's attractive, it's the islands, we're on vacation, I'm not doing anything wrong. Her dad apparently disagrees and ushers her over.

As she swims away, I begin to notice how young she looks. Wow, like really young. She gets to the pool steps and begins to climb out. Oh gawd. She doesn't just look young, she is young. That lithe body that I initially thought to be simply attributable to good genes and a solid pilates program, it turns out it was just the result of being a fucking pre-teen. And the reason she was smiling at me? Hell, she probably thought I had some candy for her or something.

So there you have it. At the ripe old age of 32, I've turned into that perverted old man feared by every father who has a daughter. Instead of finding my island vacation romance, I have managed to prey on a girl who's not even old enough to drive, and in addition tick off her poor crippled brother who probably wants nothing more than to run me over with his wheel chair.

I expect that it'll be all downhill from here. If you see me hanging out at your local Old Navy trolling for pre-teen ass, just go ahead and call the mall cops.