New California Propositions

Posted: Sunday, November 16, 2008 | Posted by Jaba |

With Proposition 8 passing here in California, I have decided to push forth a number of new propositions in 2010. Although I am against Prop 8, I was thrilled to find out that Californians are willing to use the Bible as the basis of implementing new laws. Over the next couple of years, I will be soliciting your help in passing the initiatives below. I love democracy!!!

Proposition A – Capital Punishment for Adultery

If a man commits adultery with another man’s wife, both the adulterer and the adulteress are punishable by death. For clarification: a man who commits adultery with a non-married woman is exempted.

Biblical Justification:
Leviticus 20:10 – “If a man commits adultery with another man’s wife – with the wife of his neighbor – both the adulterer and the adulteress must be put to death.”

Proposition B – Capital Punishment for Brides Who Misrepresent Virginity (aka Britney Spears Law)

If a woman is found to have misrepresented her virginity to her husband, she is punishable by death, specifically by having her brought to her father’s doorstep and having the townsmen throw stones at her. If the woman has no father, she is to be brought to her mother’s doorstep. If she has no father or mother, she is to be brought to the doorstep of her nearest kin.

Biblical Justification:
Deuteronomy 22:13-21 – “If a man takes a wife and, after lying with her, dislikes her and slanders her and gives her a bad name, saying, “I married this woman, but when I approached her, I did not find proof of her virginity,” then the girl’s father and mother shall bring proof that she was a virgin to the town elders at the gate. The girl’s father will say to the elders, “I gave my daughter in marriage to this man, but he dislikes her. Now he has slandered her and said, ‘I did not find your daughter to be a virgin.’ But here is the proof of my daughter’s virginity.” Then her parents shall display the cloth before the elders of the town, and the elders shall take the man and punish him. They shall fine him a hundred shekels of silver a and give them to the girl’s father, because this man has given an Israelite virgin a bad name. She shall continue to be his wife; he must not divorce her as long as he lives. If, however, the charge is true and no proof of the girl’s virginity can be found, she shall be brought to the door of her father’s house and there the men of her town shall stone her to death. She has done a disgraceful thing in Israel by being promiscuous while still in her father’s house. You must purge the evil from among you.”

Proposition H – Protection of Churches From the Handicapped

No handicapped person, including those who are blind, lame, disfigured, deformed, crippled, hunchbacked, really short, covered in sores, or has damaged testicles is permitted to enter any place of worship.

Biblical Justification:
Leviticus 21:17-24 - “Say to Aaron: ‘For the generations to come none of your descendants who has a defect may come near to offer the food of his God. No man who has any defect may come near: no man who is blind or lame, disfigured or deformed; no man with a crippled foot or hand, or who is hunchbacked or dwarfed, or who has any eye defect, or who has festering or running sores or damaged testicles. No descendant of Aaron the priest who has any defect is to come near to present the offerings made to the LORD by fire. He has a defect; he must not come near to offer the food of his God. He may eat the most holy food of his God, as well as the holy food; yet because of his defect, he must not go near the curtain or approach the altar, and so desecrate my sanctuary. I am the LORD, who makes them holy.’ ” So Moses told this to Aaron and his sons and to all the Israelites.”

Proposition K – License to Kill

Individuals are permitted to kill any non-believer of one of the three major religions: Christianity, Judaism, and Islam. By implication, all Buddhists, Hindus, and Scientologists will be killed. Agnostics are exempted.

Biblical Justification:
Deuteronomy 13:6-11 - “If your very own brother, or your son or daughter, or the wife you love, or your closest friend secretly entices you, saying, “Let us go and worship other gods” (gods that neither you nor your fathers have known, gods of the peoples around you, whether near or far, from one end of the land to the other), do not yield to him or listen to him. Show him no pity. Do not spare him or shield him. You must certainly put him to death. Your hand must be the first in putting him to death, and then the hands of all the people. Stone him to death, because he tried to turn you away from the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. Then all Israel will hear and be afraid, and no one among you will do such an evil thing again.”

Proposition R – Fine for Rape
If a man is found to have raped a non-married woman, he is to pay her father $500. Further, he is to marry the woman and is not permitted to ever divorce her (editorial note: potential grounds for cruel and unusual punishment). Jail sentences will be eliminated for rape convictions.

Biblical Justification:
Deuteronomy 22:28-29 - “If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, he shall pay the girl’s father fifty shekels of silver. He must marry the girl, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives.”

Proposition S – Limits Beating of Slaves

A man is permitted to beat his slave only to the point that the slave is able to fully recover after a day or two. By implication, legalizes slavery.

Biblical Justification:
Exodus 21:20-21 – “If a man beats his male or female slave with a rod and the slave dies as a direct result, he must be punished, but he is not to be punished if the slave gets up after a day or two, since the slave is his property.”

Proposition T – Protection of the Testicles

Any woman that grabs the testicles of any man in anger will be punished by having her hands severed. If the act of grabbing results in satisfaction for the man, there is no punishment.

Biblical Justification:
Deuteronomy 25:11-12 – “If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity.”