Riddle me this Republicans

Posted: Wednesday, September 17, 2008 | Posted by Jaba |

I have to admit, this latest act of communism isn’t entirely the Republicans fault since idiots from both parties seem to have supported the takeover of a private institution by a government entity. But let’s fast-forward 20 years in a country where McCain and the neo-cons retake the government and push through their genius privatization of Social Security plan. In layman’s terms this is where you and I and every NASCAR fan gets to put some of his or her social security contribution to a personal account which they get to manage. Sounds reasonable right? Its your money, why shouldn’t you get to manage it?

So again, lets fast forward 20 years. Instead of tech stocks, or bio-tech stocks, or energy stocks, or over-priced track homes, the latest investment fad in 2028 is publicly-traded churches. The right-wing has been able to successfully parlay God fear mongering into a multi-billion dollar industry that has led to the successful IPO’s of cash-cow congregations around the country. With their shares rising by 20% monthly, every Warren Buffet wannabe invests his entire Social Security funds into these churches. For a year or two, everybody is minting money. Billy Bob buys a pimped out trailer complete with a built-in gas grill, the local Starbucks barista quits his job to find his inner artist. Every financial talking head tells of a paradigm shift where investments in churches are essentially risk-free. The iShares church index (ticker: GOD) is trading near its all-time high.

But then, cracks in the system start to appear. The first church to break the Fortune 500 had to restate earnings as they had mistakenly recorded saved souls as revenue, which apparently isn’t GAAP-compliant. Another CEO/head-priest is indicted for misappropriating corporate/church assets when he threw a $1M baptism for his niece. However, the most damning charge was a piece in Vanity Fair that accused another large-cap church of starting the pre-emptive war against the tiny island of Bali by supplying the government with false information that local mosques were housing anti-American fighters who were targeting American tourists (no one in the Republican administration bothered to check that Bali is predominantly Hindus). Shares start to dip. People were hoping it was simply a market correction.

Unfortunately things got worse. People started questioning whether churches deserved P/E multiples in the hundreds. Grass-root efforts by independent groups in California and New York started buying television ads condemning the concept of a for-profit church. Investors started to sell their shares. Hedge-funds jumped into the fray and started shorting with fervor. Soon church shares were down 50% and just as people started to believe the worse was behind them, an MIT-professor published a paper that mathematically proved that the world isn’t 7000 years old (contradicting the proclamations of Secretary of Religion Mike Huckaby), putting more doubt in the already nervous church sector. By the end of the year, a number of church shares were delisted and Americans have seen their social security funds lose 1 trillion dollars in value, primarily due to the decline in church stocks.

So what does all this have to do with this week’s communist horse sht? Well just imagine the public outrage when Americans see their “safety net” implode because they were given free reign to invest their money. And guess what will happen when that debacle happens? The government will jump in and bail out those morons, costing all of us and ungawdly amount of money. Think its far-fetched? Well go add up the amount the government has already spent bailing out companies this year. Then take into account the sub-prime bailout, again the result of every-day morons who were permitted to make idiotic investment decisions. On a side note, not only should have those people been allowed to get wiped out financially, they should all have been beaten publically with their humiliation broadcasted on YouTube. Add it all up and you’re talking about a large fcking tax, that unlike what Dems want to charge, wasn’t spent on education or healthcare or the environment, but to bail out a bunch of greedy, idiotic, aholes.

Vote McCain…cause I want a MILF as VP.