The Pod's Vegas Vacation

With March Madness just around the corner, some of my buddies and I are planning a trip to Vegas for some good 'ol debauchery fun. As we debate between getting a 1000+ square foot suite at Caesers Palace or the Wynn Hotel, or maybe just "settling" for a room at The Hotel at Mandalay Bay, I can't help think of the one Vegas trip that I'm glad I wasn't a part of. Here is the story...

THE POD'S VEGAS VACATION (starring The Pod and his rag tag crew of cheapasses)

I have a few memories of traveling with The Pod to Vegas, and not a single one of them is pleasant. There was the time The Pod was stuck driving his car, and my buddy Samo and I had an over under on the number of times The Pod would bitch between L.A. and Vegas. 23 was the line and Samo won the bet. He had over. On another trip, which happened to be one of our annual Big Smoke weekends, The Pod refused to buy convention tickets and ended up walking up and down the strip for 4 hours while the rest of us were smoking cigars, downing shots of 15 year-old whiskey, and gorging on all the Del Friscos steak sandwiches we could muster. One of the earliest Vegas memories I have of The Pod was way back in college when he threw a hissy-fit when my buddy hit a "jackpot" at the nickel slots.

"Why can't I ever win???!!!! How come everyone wins but me???", bitched The Pod. Relax dude, he won like 10 bucks in nickels. He'll throw you a roll of pennies if you shut up.

But all these Vegas Pod moments don't compare to the road trip The Pod had with his crew of penny-pinchers a couple years ago. While some of you are familiar with The Pod, let me tell you a bit about his gang of paupers. They are an odd mother-fucking bunch (to say the least). There's Do (sounds like "dough"). He's an Asian combination of Steve Erkel and Glen Quagmire from Family Guy. This guy is so sexually repressed, he could beat off to the cover of Woman's World magazine. Then there's Binh (sounds like "bin"). He's like a fat version of Rain Man. Next is...I don't remember what the fuck this guy's name is but he's the ugliest, trolliest man I've ever met in my life. For someone who looks like a retarded yellow smurf, he thinks he's the next coming of Russell Wong. Finally, there's...another guy who's name I can't remember. He honest to goodness looks exactly like Jimmy from South Park.

For some unknown reason, maybe after being inspired after a Friday night of watching Swingers, the Goonies squad decided to take a road trip to Vegas. Since none of them were willing to drive their car (mileage = depreciation = cash out of pocket), and air travel was prohibitively expensive (even if Rwanda Air were to have offered a $10.99 Thursday special), they decided to rent a car. Not just any car, the smallest damn car on the lot. If you don't know what a Ford Fiesta looks like, Google it. Five grown ass men in one compact car, driving across the California and Nevada desert, pulled by a 90 horsepower engine. Even Sudanese refugees would say, "Damn dude, that's just ghetto."

So off they went on their Vegas jaunt, packed like little yellow sardines in some shitty compact American car. One can only imagine the conditions in the car. Presumably they did not turn on the air conditioner since doing so would cost at least a few bucks in gas. The heat, the stench, the claustrophobia...it must have been unbearable. When the Republicans eventually decide to start a war with the Chinese, and all the Asians are herded off to interment camps in Death Valley, these fuckers will be well prepared.

Somehow, that little Ford Fiesta made it all the way to Vegas. While the rest of us mortals would have been mentally and physically exhausted from such a trip, and probably would have immediately sought the comfort of a warm shower and hotel bed, these human mules decided to rough it. The great thing about Vegas is that there is food, lodging, and entertainment for any and every income bracket. Whether you're a high-rolling whale or a bunch of ramen-eating students, there is a place that will make you feel right at home (or at least in a cheap motel). These bastards proved that theory wrong. You can go to Hotwire.com and find a 3-star hotel for 38 bucks a night. That works out to a little over $7 a cheapass per night. $14 for two nights. And I'm sure if you really look hard enough, you can find a crack-motel for even less. Apparently, $7 a night was just a little too Rockefeller for these high-rollers. What did they decide to do instead? Since they were already well-marinated in their Ford Fiesta, they decide to make it their lodging for the weekend.

"But Jaba, what about beds? Or a shower? Or a toilet?", you may ask.

Don't forget, these are adaptive motherfuckers. They've learned to sleep sitting up and who needs a shower and a toilet when you can just go use one of the many hotel bathrooms.

So they park their roving motel room at one of the strip hotels. After a night of penny slots and free drinks, they decided to call it a night and return to their Ford Fiesta. By this time the air in the car must have been rancid. However, body odor and gases were not the only things filling the car compartment that night. Apparently, one of the cheapasses was in the early stages of developing influenza. That night, huddled together in that festering automobile, the all got the flu.

The next morning, coughing, shivering, suffering from body aches, they all trudged into the casino bathroom where they tried to clean and relieve themselves. And just like bums, they were eventually shooed away by hotel security.

I don't know what happened on the rest of the trip. I couldn't stop laughing as Tandori was telling me the story and had to stop him before I pissed all over myself. One thing I am sure of: this sordid episode would not stop these fuckers from doing it all over again.