The Hot Crazy Scale

So is your girl above or below the Vicky Mendoza line?

What Kind of Beer Goggles Have I Been Wearing?

A dear female friend of mine recently called me to ask me why I'm "dating someone with Down Syndrome". Ouch. I tried explaining to her that my girl does not, in fact, have Down Syndrome. She would have none of it. "Just look at her eyes. They're not even pointed in the same direction." Again, ouch.

Fellas, if your girl has a little bit of baby fat, she can workout. If she's a bit homely looking, she can get a make-over. However, if your girl looks like she's inflicted with a horrible genetic disease, it's probably fair to say that it's time to move on.

Please help my girl and others dealing with Down Syndrome by donating to the National Down Syndrome Society.

Testing if Your Son is Gay

via buzzfeed.com

Knowing is Half the Battle

via soangryturninggreen.blogspot.com

Who is Jaba?

Well I'm more than just an angst-filled Asia dude. Below are 25 random things about me that came from one of those Facebook things that went around a few months ago.

1) I go by Jaba, Jabe, James, Jaba Juice, Jambalina, or Fat Indo.

2) I love that people assume that I’m a right-wing Republican even though I’m a moderate Democrat. Obama baby!!!

3) I hate homogeneous groups. I love my group of friends because there’s a bit of everything: Asians, Blacks, Tandoris, Whites, Mexicans, right wing nuts, granola eating tree huggers, straight, gay (but hasn’t come out of the closet), Christians, Buddhists, Atheists…basically the freaking United Nations. I truly believe groups that “only hang with their own” tend to be made up of backward-ass aholes since the quirks of that particular group tend to build upon each other since no one is there to keep them in check. Seriously, next time you’re out, pay attention to a party that’s composed of all Asians, or all Black, all White or all whatever. They’re usually fucking annoying.

4) My friend Callie is going to be sooooo mad at me for this one but it’s MY list…People who complain about responding to email and phone calls crack me up. “I’m too busy”. “You don’t know how busy my days are”. Here’s the deal, it’s not like I stay at home with my thumb up my ass playing Xbox all day and eating bags of Cheetohs…which, btw, would be an awesome existence. I have a fairly intense job where I get bombarded with emails and phone calls just like everyone else. In addition, I have extracurricular activities which add to the daily email count. But you know what, I respond to those emails and phone calls. It doesn’t matter if I’m working at midnight or in some random hotel in some Red State on business travel, I’ll get back to you. I’m especially more inclined to get back to you if it’s not work related, ie, its personal fun crap like when our next vacation is going to be or what I thought of that hot new intern. Seriously, unless you’re the freaking President of the United States or the head of FEMA during a Category 5 Hurricane, you’re not too busy to reply.

5) I was born in Indonesia and moved to America when I was four years old. I attended a year or two of pre-school/kindergarten in Indonesia, and despite what you may have heard on Fox News, I am NOT a terrorist.

6) Every new person I meet automatically gets a “D” in my book. I don’t care if you’re the freaking Dali Lami or Bill Gates. When I first meet you, my initial assumption is that you’re a stupid dickhead who’s either going to try to convert me to some crazy ass religion or add me to your Avon downline. I don’t get those people that try to become friends with everyone they meet. Considering 80-90% of the human population are moronic assholes, chances are that “cool guy” you just met will somehow land you in prison.

7) I really like slow jams. It doesn’t matter whether its Stevie B, Lionel Richie, or rock anthems by Journey, I dig me some lovin music.

8) I hate cheap people. If you’re clipping a coupon, you better be unemployed and trying to support five kids. If you’re making six figures, with your house paid off, have plenty of discretionary income, and you’re holding up the Von’s checkout line because you’re trying to get the double coupon to apply, I will kick you in the nuts.

9) I always wonder why my guy friends are always coaching me on how to get laid. I like to joke with them that my game is comparable to a retarded six year old or that I employ the “moss approach” when it comes to girls (eventually I’ll grow on them), but it was only a joke. Every time we’re out, they’re either trying to push me up on a girl, or give me some pick up lines. One time in Vegas, we were at a lounge with a few girls we just met when five of my buddies all got up at the same time and rearranged themselves so that I’d be sitting next to the single girl in the group. No matter that she herself looked like a retarded six year old, my boys wanted me to get laid DAMN IT. I’m basically that guy from The 40 Year Old Virgin.

10) When I was a little kid, I use to chase my Grandparent’s Chihuahua and try to kick it. I feel bad about it now. Sometimes I wonder if he reincarnated into my friend Callie’s Pomeranian Niko. Of course that doesn’t stop me from trying to kick Niko (j/k, I love that guy).

11) When I was younger, I used to think that the world was made simply for my amusement. That lady walking across the street…her existence was solely for that brief moment when she passed my eye. The guy jack-hammering the sidewalk….simply there for my frivolous observation. I finally got over this delusion of grandeur a couple years ago.

12) My description of the perfect girl used to be someone who is sweet, sexy, smart, has a good sense of humor, caring, generous, pretty, makes a good living, sophisticated yet down to earth, and preferably a brunette. Now, it’s down to: not crazy and decent looking.

13) I once had an entire sushi boat (80 pieces of sushi) in one seating. Our Japanese waitress who barely spoke any English managed to tell me, “You are freak!”. I followed up the meal with an avocado milkshake for good measure.

14) I hate chicken breast. I understand why people would eat it for health reasons, but anyone that says they actually enjoy eating chicken breast is full of shit. It’s like saying, “Ummmmm….tasty cardboard”. I do, however, love chicken skin.

15) My perfect vacation would be to spend a week with the most perfect girl (so per #12 it would be someone who’s not crazy and decent looking) in a five star resort on a tropical island and indulge in a decadent orgy of great food, drinks, massages, lovin, chillaxation, and more food. I know the cool thing would be to say that I’d hike through the Amazon jungle or climb the Himalayas or some crazy shit like that. F.U.C.K that. It’s not a vacation to me unless I’m within 30 minutes of a pool side cabana.

16) My perfect job would be traveling the world and writing about all the good things in life.

17) If I had to choose a last meal, it would be my Mom’s fried chicken over rice with a side of sambal.

18) I had seizures as a kid. For some reason I had to take a form of steroids to deal with it. I’m pretty sure that’s why I’m the hairiest motherfreaking Asian you’ll ever meet. Hmmm...maybe that also explains the anger issues....

19) I suspect that Angelina Jolie has bad B.O.

20) My first car was a powder blue, 1986 Nissan Stanza mini-van with 86 horsepower. I’ve been trying to overcompensate ever since.

21) I learned to drive stick last year from two of my girl friends.

22) I’m pretty sure I’m the only person who grew up in Oregon who doesn’t know how to ski or snowboard.

23) Some of my best memories are spending Sunday nights with my dear friend eating Japanese BBQ and watching Family Guy.

24) I lip-synched choir for two years in Middle School.

25) I’m extremely claustrophobic. Not just when it comes to tight spaces, but anything that I can’t quickly get out of such as relationships. I have actually formulated break up plans before I’ve even asked a girl out. I’m pretty sure I’ll be spending quite a bit of money on therapy for this one.

Women Lessons From Mom

Below is a list from some article mentioned by Ryan Seacrest on CNN yada, yada, yada. Basically it's a list of things about women that mothers should be passing on to their sons. My commentary is included.

1. Pick your battles. ACTUALLY, DON'T PICK ANY BATTLES. GUYS, YOU SHOULD JUST FORFEIT RIGHT OFF THE BAT. AS CHRIS ROCK SAYS, A MAN CANNOT WIN AN ARGUMENT WITH A WOMAN BECAUSE MEN ARE "HANDICAPPED WHEN IT COMES TO ARGUING CAUSE WE HAVE A NEED TO MAKE SENSE"

2. Walk on the outside (closer to the street) of your female companion. UNLESS SHE HAS A LARGE INSURANCE POLICY. AND YOU'RE THE BENEFICIARY.

3. Saying "You're being crazy" is never an appropriate response, unless you want her to go postal on you. THIS APPLIES TO ALL VARIANTS INCLUDING "I MUST BE CRAZY TO BE DATING YOUR CRAZY ASS"

4. Cooking, cleaning, and taking care of kids are things men can actually do as well as women. SURE. AND GI JANE COULD REALLY HAPPEN.

5. Keep backup supplies of quality chocolate in the house for her to raid. THIS WILL HELP WITH #3 ABOVE.

6. Buying tampons and other feminine products shouldn't embarrass you --everyone knows they're not for you. GUYS, IF YOU STILL FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE, YOU CAN DISSUADE YOUR LADIES FROM EVER ASKING AGAIN BY BUYING THEM VONS BRAND TAMPONS.

7. Women like compliments and gifts. "ITS NOT THE DRESS THAT MAKES YOU LOOK FAT, ITS THE FAT THAT MAKES YOU LOOK FAT" IS NOT AN APPROPRIATE COMPLIMENT. AND WITH RESPECT TO GIFTS, START VERY, VERY, VERY SMALL AND CHEAP JUST IN CASE YOU END UP MARRYING HER. IF YOU START WITH A NICE GIFT, SAY A TRIP SOMEWHERE, BY THE 10TH ANNIVERSARY SHE'LL BE EXPECTING A LAMBO AND HARRY WINSTON BLING.

8. Earning less than her shouldn't be emasculating. TRUE, IF YOU MAKE $250K PER YEAR AND SHE PULLS IN $300K. IF YOU MAKE $25K AND SHE MAKES $50K, LIFE MUST SUCK FOR YOU.

9. Be on time, even if she usually isn't. IF YOU'RE DATING A FILIPINA, DON'T SWEAT IT SINCE YOU CAN BE AN HOUR LATE AND STILL BE ON TIME.

10. Don't be a pouty puppy when shopping with her. I ACTUALLY LIKE SHOPPING, BUT KEEP IN MIND THAT GUYS ONLY CARE ABOUT TWO THINGS: LINGERIE AND REALLY SEXY LINGERIE. ASKING US WHETHER WHETHER WE LIKE THE PURPLE OR BLACK CLUTCH IS LIKE ASKING YOU LADIES WHETHER THE TAMPA 2 DEFENSE IS EFFECTIVE AGAINST THE RUN. WE HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA.

11. Find out what her favorite flower is. IF YOU FORGET, CHANCES ARE ITS TULIPS.

12. If you like her, then don't buy her shoes; it's bad luck. USE THIS EXCUSE WHEN SHE TRICKS YOU INTO BUYING A PAIR FROM THE "EXPENSIVE SIDE" OF THE NORDSTROM SHOE DEPARTMENT. "HONEY, IT'LL BE BAD LUCK IF I BUY YOU THOSE $1000 HEELS. DARN."

13. Smiling and nodding aren't the same as listening. TRUE BUT 9 OUT OF 10 GIRLS CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE.

14. It's OK to cry in front of her, but keep the blubbering to a minimum. ONLY A MAN REALLY KNOWS HOW MAVERICK MUST HAVE FELT WHEN HE LOST GOOSE.

15. Personality goes a long way. IF THIS IS TRUE EXPLAIN WHY THE BIGGEST DOUCHES DATE THE HOTTEST GIRL. I'M SURE ITS THEIR PERSONALITIES.

16. At some point she'll be more important than your mother. ONLY WHEN SHE CAN MAKE FRIED CHICKEN OVER RICE WITH SAMBAL LIKE MY MAMMA!!!

17. You will never completely understand women. AMEN.

18. Oh yeah, and no woman will ever be good enough for my baby! AWWWWWWW!!!!

Life-Size Homer

I need to get me one of these!

via theworldsbestever.com

Sucks to be Castrated

Tomorrow night, the fellas are getting together for some good wholesome fun at our local Hooters. Some wings, some beer, some eye candy. Good times for all. Unfortunately, our buddy Pete will not be joining us. Why? Because during our tailgate party on Sunday, he blurted out in front of everybody, including his wife, that he was real excited about Hooters night. She put down her beer, looked straight at him, and declared, "You're not going".

Apparently Pete had a bit too much to drink yesterday and forgot about his public castration. He emailed me this morning with a sad little tale about how he went to Hooters after the game on Sunday and ate too many wings. He said that he got sick and was nauseous all night so he can't join us for Hooters night.

It's a sad, sad, SAD day when you are forced to make up some ridiculous story about why you can't hang out with the boys for some innocent fun because of your wife. Man Rule #32 should state: Thou shall not forgo Hooters night because of your wife. Damn married people.

So Many Ways, So Little Time

I recently found out that my work's online compliance training on sexual harassment has literally 247 slides. I didn't even now there were 247 ways to sexually harass someone.

Where Rice Farmers’ Daughters Come to Roam

Dating is tough for an Asian guy living in San Diego. Actually, it’s tough for a specific type of Asian guy. Specifically, an Asian guy like me. You see, I’m not a FOB (Fresh of the Boat) nor a Twinkie (yellow on the outside, white on the inside). I have Asian friends, White friends, Black friends, Mexican friends. I pride myself on the fact that my posse resembles the United Nation, or maybe more like Noah’s Ark, with a pair of every kind. I can’t stand people who only hang with their own ethnicity, nor those self-hating sell-outs who do whatever they can to hide their heritage (sorry, but dying your hair blonde and getting blue contacts only makes you look like a dim sum cart lady with blonde hair and blue contacts). I also like Asian girls. I’m not sure you can call it an Asian fetish since I myself am also Asian, but I do dig girls of the Asian persuasion. And here is where the problem lies…

In San Diego, there are exactly two types of Asian girls: The FOB and the Twinkie. That’s it. You will either be drinking boba and getting $25 massages at the Vietnamese nail salon or you’ll be spending Friday nights at Applebee’s and fucking trail running every godamn weekend. Those are your only options if you want to date an Asian girl in San Diego.

While this does not represent an ideal pool of dating opportunities for me, I’ve come to accept the fact that my chances of meeting Asian girls that share my sense of multiculturalism are slim in San Diego. It appeared that as long as I live in San Diego, I will be pursuing either a FOB or a Twinkie. Unfortunately as it turns out, such resignation does not help me with my dating life. In what should have been quite obvious to me, a FOB only wants to date a fellow FOB and a Twinkie…well, she only wants to date a White guy. That leaves me FUCKED (not literally, unfortunately).

So which is worse, the FOB or the Twinkie? Well let’s break them down for a moment. The FOB is a recent immigrant who speaks either broken English or barely any English at all. Although she’s likely to be skinny, you can’t actually call her fit since she’s never worked out a day in her life. Her iPod is filled with the latest Pop sensation from Taiwan or the Philippines (FOB’s can come from any Asian country) and her cell-phone is covered in an ungawdly amount of glitter, pink and anime characters. As an immigrant myself who moved to the States at the young age of 4, I understand why FOB’s prefer to hang out with fellow FOB’s. It’s more comfortable being with people who speak your language and share your background, especially when you’re in a new country. I get it. Interestingly enough though, there are second and even third generation FOB’s. These are girls that have grown up in America, are completely assimilated in American culture, but for some reason still refuse to give up their FOB’ish ways. They still speak with an accent, prefer to ride in rice rockets, and most injurious to me, only date their fellow FOB’s.

Then there is the Twinkie. Where do I even begin. After France was liberated by the Americans in WWII, hundreds of French women who conspired, socialized, and fornicated with the Nazis were dragged out on the streets, stripped, and had their heads shaven. I’m just saying…

Nothing quite irritates me like an Asian girl that thinks she’s White. You know these girls. In San Diego, they’re the ones who dress exclusively in Abercombie & Fitch, say things like “I’ve never had dim sum”, style themselves in the aforementioned blonde dye and blue contacts, and don’t have a single Asian friend on Facebook (they probably do but won’t add them for fear that people might think they hang out with – gasp – Asian people). They gush over their White bartender slash mortgage-broker slash valet parker boyfriends, and instinctively roll their eyes whenever they’re approached by an Asian guy. I’ve actually had a pair of Twinkies tell me - after spending 10 minutes berating Asian guys in general with comments like “Asian guys are nerds who are only good at math and race their dorky cars” - that they consider themselves White and not Asian. Unfortunately, I was too inebriated to tell them that their slanty eyes and flat noses do a good job belying their Whiteness, and that I need to be good at math to count all the money I make and that I do enjoy racing my Porsche.

The worst part about these Twinkies is that many of them, if not most of them, are typically ugly wenches. In fact, they really shouldn’t worry about Asian guys hitting on them since most Asian guys don’t even find them attractive. Back in the motherland, these are the girls that you’d find bent over picking rice or holding court at the local whorehouse. But in the US, they’re considered “exotic” and prance around like they’re freaking princesses. I partly blame my White brothas for this discrepancy. Guys, if the Asian girl in question looks like Kelly Hu, Kristin Kreuk, or Maggie Q, she’s hot. If she looks like anything you’ll find on dirtythaiwhores.com, she’s not hot. Please use this simple rule as your guide so we don’t have so many Twinkies walking around with an inflated sense of self-worth.

So back to the original question: which is worse, the FOB or the Twinkie? I believe the Twinkie wins hands down. I’ll deal with having to use sign language to communicate and smelling like fish sauce after every date rather than putting up with some self-hating, fugly, former rice farmer. But I guess it’s a moot issue since I can’t land either of them.

Hmmm…Where them White girls at???

Twitter Doctrine

I sincerely believe that nothing is a bigger drain on our economy than meetings. Whether they're face-to-face meetings, telecons, videocons, WebEx meetings...whatever, they're typically just a big fucking waste of time for monkeys to blather on and on about nonsense. No one is really listening and half the participants are fucking around on their Blackberry's. The worst is when the meeting organizer insists on summarizing what was just discussed at the meeting. Hey asshole, we were there. You don't need to give us a replay.

Being one who is always looking to make my workplace more efficient, I recently sent my boss the following email:

I think we should implement the Twitter Doctrine in M&A: No email, whether in-bound or out-bound can be more than 140 characters long and no meeting and/or telecon will go past 140 seconds. Ed – Will you support?

The following was his response:

This is a fine idea. Well thought out and will inject some needed efficiency into our processes. People are our assets and looking at this makes me view you as a real ass {Error:EOM: 140 character limit reached}

Dickhead.

Rockstar? Ummmmm.....No

Before posting a picture on Facebook of a $9000+ bill you received from the Venetian due to room damages and adding the quote, “DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMNNNNN, we party like rockstars!!!!!!!!”, you should consider the following:

Partying It up with Mike Tyson, Asian gangsters and a chicken causing $9000+ worth of damages: ROCKSTAR

Having two different bachelorette parties decide to join you and your posse in the hotel room for a private party, and causing $9000+ worth of damages: ROCKSTAR

Hiring 1/3 of the Club Sapphire girls for a private show in your room, and causing $9000+ worth of damages: ROCKSTAR

Cramming 7 grown ass men into the standard room which was booked by your mommy, and having one of your boys decide to hang his shirt on the fire sprinklers (presumably because there wasn’t enough closet space for 7 grown ass men), causing the sprinklers to go off flooding the room and causing $9000+ worth of damages: NOT ROCKSTAR

(true story)

My Healthcare Plan

Call me an elitist, which I am, but the lovely folks in the picture look like your average Joe the Plumbers and Hockey Moms. Based on their signs, they must love the healthcare coverage they’re getting now and just tickled red by the premiums and deductibles they’re paying, and would hate, I mean HATE, to be forced into some Socialist government sponsored medical system like say Medicare or Tricare. Oh wait, ooops, aren’t those technically government sponsored medical systems? Never mind. Neocons don’t need to be bothered by silly details like facts.

So here’s what I wish would happen, as an admitted elitist. I hope the Dems fail in their healthcare reform effort. In fact, I hope we swing the other way and make things even more lucrative for providers and insurers. Here’s why. Unlike the “I make $12 an hour but I’m going to whine about Socialism” dickheads in the picture, I can actually afford my premiums, deductibles, and occasional out of pocket costs. I also don’t have to worry about silly things like paying for my family’s healthcare. So double, triple my costs. I don’t give a fuck. Unlike the dickheads, I also have cash which I will use to buy up a bunch of healthcare stocks. The buttload Ill make off my shares will pay for a lifetime of medical cost increases and then some. And the best part is, the ahole protestors below will hopefully be dying like maggots because they can’t afford even a primary care visit. It’s a win-win for me. I come out financially ahead and I get to LMAO when I see these same dickheads crying and begging for help because they can’t afford pre-natal care for their retarded inbred babies.

Suggested Travel Metrics for Filipinos

In light of hearing my ex-girlfriend's upcoming one-day road-trip to Las Vegas, I’ve put together the following suggestions for my Filipino friends:

1 to 1: The maximum ratio of travel time to and from your destination versus the amount of time you will be staying at your destination. Driving a total of 14 hours to spend 8 hours at your destination is unreasonable.

4 to 1: The maximum number of people you should fit in a hotel room.

2 to 1: The ideal number of people you should fit in a hotel room.

2: The maximum number of families/groups/parties involved in a single trip. Any amount over threatens to cause a cosmic rip in the universe.

$50: The minimum amount you must save on gas from driving to justify not flying. The number is $200 for non-Filipinos.

$75: The minimum amount you should spend on any hotel, in any location, under any circumstance. Free buffet and casino credits count towards the room rate.

2: The maximum number of layovers you should accept on any one-way flight. Flying 12 hours through 3 cities to reach a destination that is only 2 hours via a direct flight just to save a few bucks on your airfare is unacceptable.

40: The maximum number of square miles from your home you can drive to pick up your cousin/aunt/uncle/grandparents/godparents before commencing on to your final destination. The number drops to 4 if you’re driving with a non-Filipino.

Affirmative Action Gone Out of Control

Below is an email I recently sent to my friend Chuck. My half-German, half-Irish, all ignorant friend Chuck. In addition to being a fat bastard, taco aficionado, and generally decent guy, he's also a special kind of racist. One of those racists that not only has a lot of minority friends, like me, but also gets his stereotypes all wrong. For instance, he thinks Asians benefit from affirmative action. Forget the fact that we make up something like 15 percent of the population but over 50 percent of all good UC's (UCLA, Cal, UCSD...no, not you UC Santa Cruz).

11-Year-Old Graduates From LA College

Not only did this kid take advantage of the fact that he’s Asian, but he must have found a loophole regarding affirmative action for pre-teens. What is even more ridiculous is that this guy got into college without ever playing high school football or learning how to play guitar….math, science, asthrophysics, martial arts…what is that non-sense. No damn it…a good American kid doesn’t do that hippie crap. A real American would have learned to speak American and played a real sport like baseball. Anybody can get a 4.0 GPA when all you do is study. Ill take me a good ol American kid with a 2.8 GPA but knows how to hit an inside fast ball any day of the week over some nerd. I mean, where would our country be if it werent for all the varsity athletes. These are the guys who built Google, Yahoo, Microsoft…the pillars of our country’s economy.

In fact, I think all the minorities on this distribution should be hit with an additional 10 percent tax on our nearly $2M annual income because we took advantage of the system to get into Cornell, Columbia, Duke, Cal, UCLA. How dare we…

Right Chuck?

Chief Mockery Officer

One thing that pisses me off about the San Diego culture is how people are unwilling to hang out "on a school night". Unlike places like Los Angeles and New York, getting people to go out for happy hour is akin to suggesting they join up for a Bataan Death March. A few weeks ago, Crew Member Shadinsky set up a little get-together in downtown La Jolla - a place that tourists pay damn good money to visit - in which he invited 25 coworkers to attend. Of the 25 people who were invited, only 3 showed up. The excuses ranged from "I have to hang out with the family" to "Sorry, I have work the next day".

Now keep in mind, this is San Diego. We work 40 hours a week...tops. It's not like you have a bunch of attorneys and bankers pulling 100 hour weeks and who therefore would have legitimate excuses for not being able to make happy hour. No, these are slackers who work 8:30AM to 5:00PM with an hour lunch break. Of course, the irony is that in places like New York where you have people who do work the crazy hours, people have no reservations about enjoying food and libations till late into the evening (or even into the AM).

After getting fed up with the happy hour turnouts, I promoted myself to Chief Mockery Officer of the company and issued the following memo:

New Happy Hour Policy
From the desk of the Chief Mockery Officer

Directives on Happy Hour
It has been brought to my attention that employees have been: 1) declining invitations to happy hour, 2) accepting invitations, then declining in the last minute, or 3) accepting invitations and simply not showing up. Such actions are completely unacceptable. Due to the continued disregard of happy hour etiquette by select employees, I have implemented the new policies below that are effective immediately.

Seniority Rules. If you are invited to happy hour by your manager, supervisor, or anybody with an important sounding title (regardless of whether such title confers any actual authority to the individual), you are required to attend. Failure to attend demonstrates your inability to grasp basic concepts like an org chart, and suggests that you should be working at a mall kiosk instead of at a Fortune 500 company.

Sunshine Tax. If you fail to show up to happy hour during “one of those perfect SoCal nights”, you will be automatically added to the Project Realignment list and will likely be transferred to Oakridge, Tennessee by the end of the following quarter. Once in Oakridge, you will be permitted to decline all the happy hours you desire considering the heat, the humidity, and the fact that you will be in Oakridge, Tennessee.

Cushy Job. Despite what you might believe, you have a fairly easy job. Working between 8am to 5pm with an hour lunch break does not constitute a long day. If you decline happy hour using the “I’m too tired” excuse, you will be put on the Investment Banker 14/196 schedule in which you will be required to work 14 hours a day for 196 total hours per pay period so that you will have something to really complain about. Your first infraction will require you to be on the 14/196 schedule for one pay period with each subsequent infraction adding an additional pay period to the term. If you don’t have sufficient work load to fill the 14/196 schedule, you will assist the office janitorial crew in cleaning the bathrooms.

No Flip Flops. Once you have accepted an invitation to happy hour, you must attend the event. If you fail to show up, regardless of whether you inform the happy hour organizer or not, he will be permitted to repeatedly beat you over the head with a pair of flip flops. If your failure to show up causes economic harm to the organizer, he is permitted to use the nearest blunt object in lieu of flip flops. Any resulting head trauma and/or brain damage will be your responsibility.

American Idol. If you decline happy hour so that you won’t miss American Idol (or any variant thereof), you will be summarily terminated. Due to the ridiculousness of your excuse, your hiring manager will also be terminated.

Permitted Exemptions. You are permitted to skip happy hour in the event of the following: death of an immediate family member (including family pet) within the past 48 hours, nationally declared flu pandemic, happy hour is at Chile’s, or you are on travel beyond 100 miles of the city limits,

Contact: Jaba NoBacka, Chief Mockery Officer

Things Not to Ask a Cop

Tired of the Whining About the Stimulus

[As a preface, I was actually hoping that we didn’t do anything at all and let the economy languish and make all those aholes who got us in this mess (ie. over-leveraged, credit-card maxing d-heads) suffer more.]

Of the $787 billion stimulus package, about $478 billion is dedicated to direct spending. Of that amount, about $150 billion is supposed to be spent this fiscal year. Of that amount, about $50 billion has been spent as of the middle of June.

Yet the whining has begun…

Republicans Whining
Those merry Republicans are rehashing the standard tax/spend/evil liberal argument that seems to be their answer to everything. The fact is we’ve only spent about 10 percent of the total stimulus dedicated to direct spending. To put that amount in perspective, $50 billion is about the cost of just two months worth of fighting during GW’s little excursion into Iraq. The Sean Hannities and Glenn Becks of the world are already declaring the stimulus a failure and going on and on about the hundreds of billions we’ve spent only to see a continued degradation to the economy and a continued increase in the unemployment rate. Well the fact is we haven’t yet spent hundreds of billions. We’ve spent $50 billion. Is it a lot of money nominally? Yes. Is it hundreds of billions of dollars? No.

It’s easy to whine, but what exactly is the Republican’s counter-proposal? Do nothing? Since they argue that spending money trying to stimulate the economy is a waste of taxpayer’s dollars, then one can only assume that they support not spending any money at all to stimulate the economy. Or perhaps they think more tax cuts are the solution. Republicans love tax cuts. There’s already about $288 billion of tax cuts in the stimulus package. Maybe they’re suggesting it should have been $500 billion or maybe the full $787 billion. Here’s why a layman like me can’t see more tax cuts really doing much to stimulate the economy:

Tax cuts for businesses: Let’s start with large businesses, like the one that cuts my check every couple of weeks. We have cash. Lots of cash. We have so much cash that we have a hard time deploying it. Let’s say the Republicans magically ruled the world starting today and gave us a generous 10 percent reduction in our tax rate. That would add about 70 million more bucks to our current war chest of about $900 million. What do you think we’ll do with that $70 million on top of the original $900 million we couldn’t even deploy? Hire more folks? Ummm…no. Give us all better salaries and bonuses so we can spend more money stimulating the economy? You jest. What will happen is that the $70 million will continue sitting in our bank account earning a miserable ROI and it will do nothing to help the economy.

How about small businesses? I never really understood the logic here. I always hear Republicans saying that taxes crush small businesses. But I thought taxes were paid on profit? If for some reason you started a boba-slash-male bikini wax joint and for some reason it was losing money, how exactly would a tax cut help? Maybe I need to go to business school to understand that one.

Tax cuts for individuals: If I got a tax cut, I guarantee that the economy would be stimulated. New Porsche. New Panerai. Luxury vacations. Spend baby spend! However, most people who receive a tax cut will not. Those who don’t have money/are in debt will use whatever excess cash to pay down their credit card or start to put some money in their piggy banks. And those that have money/make a good living? Well, unfortunately too many of those are of the “Joel” ilk who will hoard their additional cash like a godamn nuclear winter is coming.


Independents Whining
Like the Republicans, they’re whining that we’re spending all this money and the economy is still sucking. Unlike the Republicans, they don’t necessarily have a problem spending money to stimulate the economy. They just wish things would improve faster. Fair concern, but you must chill the freak out. We’ve spent $50 billion. There’s more than $400 billion to go. Give it a chance to work. You can’t turn the damn Titanic on a dime. If things still suck by the middle of 2010, then you have a legitimate gripe.

Democrats Whining
The Dems – and ironically some Republicans – are complaining that the stimulus dollars aren’t flowing fast enough. They’re upset that “only” $50 billion has been spent (although that amount is still above the projected rate). They seemingly want the government to piss away that money as fast as me in a urinal after a large Coke and a three-hour movie, all in the name of stimulus. That’s stupid. Simply wasting all that money isn’t going to stimulate anything other than a Republican revival in 2012. And now there’s talk about a second stimulus. We haven’t even spent the first pot of money you jackasses!!!

Bottom line, I think everyone is bunch of whining aholes. They need to settle down and be a bit freaking patient. And I don’t know about people in Detroit or Birmingham or Little Rock, but in La Jolla I don’t see much of a recession at all. The Nordies was packed last Tuesday with shopping MILF’s and I had to wait 20 minutes to get my damn shoes shined. I also noticed the 10-20 dollar tips the shoe shine guy was getting. Recession my arse.

Good Use of Tax Dollars

I'm going to start randomly going to bailout recipients’ houses and just walk in, grab some cookies out of their cupboard, help myself to some beer from their fridge…when they protest, I’ll tell them “Hey Ass, that’s my fucking tax dollars paying for this shit. You’re lucky you don’t have a hot daughter or else I’d help me to some of that as well”.

The Real Joes

Thank gawd the boys got their wish...